I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
