I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
