I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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