I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
