is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
