can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I checked into jail on foursquare
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
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You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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