i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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