You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
