awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
