I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
