My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
