Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
