areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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