My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
