Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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