onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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