she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
