So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
