Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
