Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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