You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
