remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
