call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
