Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
