We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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