Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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