I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
