Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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