He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
