Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
