I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
