the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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