What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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