i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
