Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
