the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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