Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just found puke in my bra..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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