i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
