I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
