you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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