My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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