Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
