She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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