she woke up with a sticky ear
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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