He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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