I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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