after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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