Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
