I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
