Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
