I need help removing her.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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