Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
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You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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