i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
