Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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