I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
