I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
