i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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