I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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