If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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